special michigan update

I obviously never intended this to center only around creepy crawly things, but I find myself settled back in Michigan, only to find a GIANT SPIDER in my house! I know I have a tendency to exaggerate stories in an effort to make them more entertaining, but in the interest of pure accuracy, I will present actual facts for once. The spider, though I thought it was a tarantula at the time, was a wolf spider, about the size of half of my palm and very very fuzzy. I was alone at the time of discovery, and used prior knowledge of a bucket, a shoe and a glove, as adapted from the Houston lizard tongs, bucket, and shirt scenario. I did manage to get the spider (let's call him mortimer in hopes of making him seem cute and non threatening so I have a hope of sleeping ever again) outside without giving myself a heart attack, though some shaking was involved. I did consider standing in the room, on the table of course, and waiting until someone else got home to take care of it, but I had rehearsal and this counts as the ultimate example of the show must go on. I considered just walking away, but the only thing worse than a huge spider in your house, i's a lost huge spider in your house. The alarming end to mortimer is that I couldn't find him outside a few minutes later. I'm telling myself he's well on his way to a warmer land... maybe mars for example.

why 110 degrees is ridiculous

It was 91 degrees today with a heat index of 110. What is a heat index? It's how hot it actually feels with the humidity. That is too damn hot. Seriously, hot. In the car, hot. Outside, hot. Inside, hot. In the freezer, not hot, but not safe either if you remember that one punky brewster episode where she gets stuck in the fridge and dies... maybe she doesn't die, but I think that was the moral of the story. So the only way to deal with this is to flee the state. Sadly I have to wait two weeks to do this, but as long as I don't melt before that, things should be great.

possible book title

A bucket of fried chicken has never sounded worse

Termites

Well, now we have termites. I'm not making this up. I could, but why bother when good shit actually happens anyway. So I've learned several things about bugs here...

1. When the bug guy shows up, you're supposed to have caught a bug so he knows what kind it is. I know you're thinking I can't be serious, but this was actually said to me)
2. Termites don't eat people, only wood, so unless you're made of wood, no worries.
3. Windex kills termites.
4. Termites are not welcome here.
5. The bug guy gets offended when you follow him around with soap telling him to wash his hands and not touch the bugs, they're gross. Well, I'm sorry bug dude but it's true.
6. Termites are different looking than fleas and you're dumb if you can't tell the difference.
7. Houston sucks.
8. Bugs suck.
9. Vodka doesn't suck.
10. Dyed shoes are stupid.

Ode to snow caps

Oh snow caps you are so good
like a chocolate river of joy
yummy


oh well apparently an Ode has a specific number of syllables... who knew... well anyway I just can't be bothered with stupid details like that (no offense if you take offense to bad poetry, but in fairness there are better things to worry about in a day, I'm not judging, but relax a little, seriously)

Fleas

It's official... the apartment in oh so wonderful Houston had fleas. Eww gross yuck, how the hell did that happen... all solid reactions to this. We have no idea how this happened. The place is clean, there has never been a pet in here, and yet, Lindsay and I are covered in ichy bug bites. Thanks to enough chemicals to kill (insert something you detest here) we are now bug free... but this leads me to complain about the educational state of bugs in general. Months ago, shortly after we realized that this is a wild kingdom of creatures down here (did you know that Armadillos really exist... I thought they were just funny looking cartoon creations) I put up a very neatly written sign explaining to the bugs that they were not allowed inside our place, upon penalty of death. I also had Andrea translate this into Spanish in the footnote, as Texas has a very large Spanish speaking population. How could this be any nicer and clearer you ask... it couldn't. We have upheld our part of the agreement, and frankly we expect the same from the bugs. So if the bugs happen to be reading this, we are disapointed. You have let down your educational system... much like Bush... and you should be ashamed.

Nicknames for Laura

I have decided that Nats on going quest for the perfect nickname for me should definatly be made into a public forum discussion. Honestly, I see no other option. So, family, friends, whoever else reads this thing (does anyone?) please feel free to offer suggestions as to wonderful / appropriate nicknames for me. I'll start the ball rolling, and perhaps, Nat, you will find something to your liking... though somehow I strongly doubt that.

Wonderful
Beautiful
Hey sexy
Gorgeous
Is that chocolate I smell?
Laura dora (still sticking Dad)
B (this one makes no sense with my name, but kind of stuck in high school)
LN (Ian's name of choice but always reminded me of the name of a cow... not that I know any cows by name)
Amazing
Sweetie
Honey
Babe
No you shouldn't cut your hair
Fabulous

OK, so let's get the ball rollings and see what happens here...